1 00:00:13,037 --> 00:00:16,562 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,562 --> 00:00:19,870 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:19,870 --> 00:00:23,438 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,438 --> 00:00:25,963 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:35,755 --> 00:00:37,931 Oh, I can't believe 6 00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:41,369 my boys are high school graduates now. 7 00:00:41,587 --> 00:00:43,806 Yep. And all without openin' a single book 8 00:00:43,981 --> 00:00:45,591 or applyin' ourselves in any way. 9 00:00:45,808 --> 00:00:47,941 Gun to my head, I couldn't find Europe on a map. 10 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:49,203 Is it the one shaped like a hand? 11 00:00:49,421 --> 00:00:50,813 I got through two years of French 12 00:00:50,988 --> 00:00:51,989 just knowing five words. 13 00:00:52,206 --> 00:00:53,338 Baguette. 14 00:00:53,555 --> 00:00:54,992 Déjà vu. 15 00:00:55,209 --> 00:00:57,037 Gérard. Depardieu. 16 00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:59,953 Boys, the world is your oyster now. 17 00:01:00,171 --> 00:01:00,954 No, it ain't. 18 00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:02,173 From here on out, 19 00:01:02,390 --> 00:01:03,870 there's no more gravy train. 20 00:01:04,044 --> 00:01:06,003 All right? You're an adult now, Johnny. 21 00:01:06,003 --> 00:01:07,439 That means responsibility. 22 00:01:07,656 --> 00:01:08,701 Don't you worry, Dad. 23 00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:09,963 You have my word. 24 00:01:10,181 --> 00:01:11,138 I am gonna take adulthood 25 00:01:11,356 --> 00:01:12,923 and grab it by the ass. 26 00:01:13,097 --> 00:01:14,141 Speaking of, I gotta take a dump. 27 00:01:14,359 --> 00:01:16,143 That was a long fucking ceremony. 28 00:01:16,361 --> 00:01:18,493 Jesus, we don't all need to hear about it. 29 00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:20,278 Have a good stool, Matty. 30 00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:23,237 And, Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today? 31 00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:26,023 Oh, Ma, I'm 18 now. 32 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:27,981 Mine is stools too. 33 00:01:29,026 --> 00:01:30,984 Oh, good heavens, you're right. 34 00:01:31,202 --> 00:01:32,594 You're right. 35 00:01:32,812 --> 00:01:33,595 Oh! 36 00:01:34,074 --> 00:01:36,033 How time flies. 37 00:01:39,950 --> 00:01:42,300 You said someone's tokin' some reefer. 38 00:01:42,517 --> 00:01:44,084 No, I may have said something 39 00:01:44,302 --> 00:01:45,564 about smelling some pot. 40 00:01:45,781 --> 00:01:47,000 You know, it's just an observation. 41 00:01:47,218 --> 00:01:48,871 Oh, an observation, huh? 42 00:01:48,871 --> 00:01:50,917 Well, who the hell are you, man, Isaac fuckin' Newton? 43 00:01:51,265 --> 00:01:52,788 It's kind of hard for me to buy that 44 00:01:52,788 --> 00:01:55,052 this guy has Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue. 45 00:01:55,269 --> 00:01:56,923 Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded. 46 00:01:57,097 --> 00:01:59,012 Like, "I hope a situation arises today 47 00:01:59,230 --> 00:02:01,058 where I can mention my favorite scientist." 48 00:02:01,275 --> 00:02:02,668 Oh, look, they're gonna fight. 49 00:02:02,668 --> 00:02:04,017 Why don't you observe while I punch your teeth 50 00:02:04,235 --> 00:02:05,410 down your fucking throat. - Come on! 51 00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:07,020 Why do guys always take their shirts off 52 00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:08,500 when they're about to fight? 53 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,023 'Cause guys will always look at nipples. 54 00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:11,242 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 55 00:02:11,242 --> 00:02:12,330 If they're out, a guy's lookin'. 56 00:02:12,547 --> 00:02:14,027 And while he's lost in your nipples, 57 00:02:14,245 --> 00:02:15,681 you punch him in the face. - Wow. 58 00:02:15,898 --> 00:02:17,074 Yeah. Ask Evander Holyfield. 59 00:02:17,291 --> 00:02:18,858 Hey, buddy, my fists are up here. 60 00:02:19,032 --> 00:02:20,207 Exactly. 61 00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,035 If JFK had been in the car shirtless, 62 00:02:22,253 --> 00:02:23,123 he'd be alive today. 63 00:02:23,341 --> 00:02:25,125 Susan: Boys! Dinner's ready! 64 00:02:25,343 --> 00:02:26,213 To be continued. 65 00:02:28,128 --> 00:02:29,260 By the way, there's a surprise 66 00:02:29,477 --> 00:02:30,652 in the salad. 67 00:02:30,870 --> 00:02:32,306 Sun-dried tomatoes. 68 00:02:32,524 --> 00:02:34,265 I got turned around at the Stop and Shop, 69 00:02:34,482 --> 00:02:36,745 and I ended up in the ethnic aisle. 70 00:02:36,963 --> 00:02:39,270 Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old. 71 00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:42,055 It's a wop scam. - Italian scam. 72 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:43,491 Wait. No. 73 00:02:43,491 --> 00:02:44,797 Save 'em and give 'em out 74 00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,364 to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween. 75 00:02:46,581 --> 00:02:49,106 Jesus Christ, you are such a fuckin' bigot. 76 00:02:49,323 --> 00:02:50,585 It's like I'm living with Mark Fuhrman. 77 00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:52,239 Oh, Christ. Not this again. 78 00:02:52,457 --> 00:02:54,067 Oh, what? Because you still can't admit 79 00:02:54,285 --> 00:02:55,764 he is a crooked, lying sack of-- 80 00:02:55,982 --> 00:02:57,244 O.J. did it! All right? 81 00:02:57,462 --> 00:02:59,072 If-if the cops planted evidence, 82 00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:01,770 it was just to make up for O.J. un-planting it. 83 00:03:01,988 --> 00:03:03,163 That doesn't make any sense. 84 00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:05,122 John, how'd your interview go today? 85 00:03:05,774 --> 00:03:08,081 - What? - At my buddy Tommy's tire shop. 86 00:03:08,299 --> 00:03:10,083 Hey, it wasn't easy gettin' you in there. 87 00:03:10,301 --> 00:03:12,216 Luckily, there was an opening because Bob Donahue 88 00:03:12,216 --> 00:03:13,478 got crushed under a truck. 89 00:03:14,044 --> 00:03:15,045 Right. The interview. 90 00:03:15,219 --> 00:03:16,916 Um... it went great. 91 00:03:17,090 --> 00:03:18,961 I looked him right in the eye, and I gave him 92 00:03:19,136 --> 00:03:20,615 a firm handshake and everything. 93 00:03:22,791 --> 00:03:24,097 Tommy doesn't have a hand. 94 00:03:24,924 --> 00:03:26,056 - Oh. - Lost it 95 00:03:26,230 --> 00:03:27,666 in a tire balancer last year. 96 00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:30,277 This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace. 97 00:03:30,495 --> 00:03:33,106 - I shook his nub. - He doesn't have a nub. 98 00:03:33,324 --> 00:03:34,803 It goes all the way up to the shoulder! 99 00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:36,066 I shook his shoulder. 100 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,545 He's a head on a torso! 101 00:03:37,763 --> 00:03:39,112 How is this guy a mechanic? 102 00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:41,114 - Okay, Dad-- - You didn't fuckin' go, did you? 103 00:03:41,636 --> 00:03:43,116 - No, but-- - Goddammit! 104 00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:44,204 I can't fucking believe it! 105 00:03:44,422 --> 00:03:45,553 If he takes his shirt off, 106 00:03:45,553 --> 00:03:46,989 don't get distracted by his nipples. 107 00:03:47,164 --> 00:03:48,121 - See, the thing is-- - No! 108 00:03:48,339 --> 00:03:49,992 I'm sick of your fucking excuses. 109 00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:52,386 Y-you didn't get into college. You ain't got a job. 110 00:03:52,604 --> 00:03:55,172 You ain't done nothin' but sit on your ass since June. 111 00:03:55,389 --> 00:03:57,130 Matty, he's a late bloomer. 112 00:03:57,348 --> 00:03:58,349 He's a boy, Susan. 113 00:03:58,566 --> 00:03:59,741 Don't talk about him bloomin'. 114 00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:02,135 But it's wonderful when a boy blooms. 115 00:04:02,353 --> 00:04:04,398 I said stop it! You know what? 116 00:04:04,616 --> 00:04:06,922 The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house! 117 00:04:06,922 --> 00:04:08,359 - Matty! - No more free rides! 118 00:04:08,576 --> 00:04:09,708 Matty, no! 119 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,057 No. It's for his own good, Susan. 120 00:04:11,231 --> 00:04:13,146 My kid ain't gonna fuckin' wind up 121 00:04:13,364 --> 00:04:14,582 like a fuckin' welfare queen. 122 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,106 And more racism. 123 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:17,368 How the fuck is that racist? 124 00:04:17,585 --> 00:04:19,457 - You just said welfare queen. - So? 125 00:04:19,674 --> 00:04:21,633 So that is a racist black stereotype. 126 00:04:21,850 --> 00:04:23,200 I never said she was black. 127 00:04:23,417 --> 00:04:25,071 Oh, so it's automatically a woman? 128 00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,595 Well, a man's not poppin' out babies just to get rich, 129 00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:29,380 and don't change the fuckin' subject. 130 00:04:29,597 --> 00:04:31,860 I am tired of comin' home every day 131 00:04:32,078 --> 00:04:33,775 to a house full of freeloaders who... 132 00:04:34,863 --> 00:04:36,213 Fuck! 133 00:04:36,604 --> 00:04:38,171 - Matty? - Dad, are you okay? 134 00:04:38,389 --> 00:04:40,478 Ah, it's fucking indigestion. 135 00:04:40,695 --> 00:04:41,783 Feels like... 136 00:04:42,306 --> 00:04:44,177 Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest. 137 00:04:44,395 --> 00:04:46,136 Honey, you want some Mylanta? 138 00:04:47,137 --> 00:04:48,181 Oh, shit. 139 00:04:57,147 --> 00:04:59,192 Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 140 00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:02,369 He's stable, but there are blockages in his arteries, 141 00:05:02,587 --> 00:05:04,197 so another cardiac event is likely. 142 00:05:04,415 --> 00:05:06,504 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Doc. 143 00:05:06,721 --> 00:05:08,419 Explain it to me in sewage terms. 144 00:05:08,636 --> 00:05:11,204 Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked 145 00:05:11,422 --> 00:05:13,075 and the shit comin' up through the shower drain? 146 00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:15,513 I guess it's closer to the second one. 147 00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:17,906 I'll need your consent to insert a stent 148 00:05:18,124 --> 00:05:19,299 into each blocked artery. 149 00:05:20,735 --> 00:05:21,867 Well, who's gonna do it? 150 00:05:22,084 --> 00:05:23,521 I'll be performing the procedure. 151 00:05:25,087 --> 00:05:26,045 Oh, yeah? 152 00:05:27,089 --> 00:05:28,047 What about this guy? 153 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:29,657 He's a nurse. 154 00:05:29,875 --> 00:05:30,963 A guy? 155 00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,921 - Yes. - What the fuck's goin' on? 156 00:05:33,139 --> 00:05:34,271 Did you give me the drugs already? 157 00:05:34,488 --> 00:05:35,402 Will you stop being a fuckin' asshole 158 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:36,708 and let him save your life? 159 00:05:38,884 --> 00:05:40,233 All right. Fine. 160 00:05:44,455 --> 00:05:46,065 I'm so sorry. 161 00:05:46,239 --> 00:05:48,154 I'm a doctor in Massachusetts. 162 00:05:48,328 --> 00:05:50,983 If I didn't save racist lives, I would do nothing. 163 00:05:52,376 --> 00:05:54,334 Susan, I'm scared. 164 00:05:54,552 --> 00:05:56,510 Everything's gonna be all right, honey. 165 00:05:57,294 --> 00:05:58,730 I love you so much. 166 00:05:58,730 --> 00:06:00,035 I love you too. 167 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,517 A-and, son. 168 00:06:03,735 --> 00:06:04,910 Yeah, Dad? 169 00:06:04,910 --> 00:06:06,825 I-I-I don't say this enough, but... 170 00:06:09,306 --> 00:06:11,090 you really need a fuckin' haircut. 171 00:06:13,135 --> 00:06:14,528 I know, Dad. 172 00:06:15,486 --> 00:06:17,966 Hey, Johnny, look, I'm the kid in the wheelchair 173 00:06:18,184 --> 00:06:20,708 at the school dance who's also havin' a good time. 174 00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:31,328 Hey. 175 00:06:37,812 --> 00:06:39,031 Di-- 176 00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:40,380 Did you just put a breast cancer 177 00:06:40,598 --> 00:06:42,295 self-exam pamphlet in your pocket? 178 00:06:42,513 --> 00:06:43,775 It's for when I get home. 179 00:06:44,254 --> 00:06:45,429 I'm ju-- I'm just curious. 180 00:06:45,429 --> 00:06:47,300 In the fantasy, does she find a lump? 181 00:06:47,518 --> 00:06:49,433 Yeah. In my pants. 182 00:06:50,738 --> 00:06:52,784 Not your best work, but you're under a lot of stress. 183 00:06:55,352 --> 00:06:56,701 It's not even a photo on there. 184 00:06:56,701 --> 00:06:59,051 You're just gonna jerk off to a line drawing? 185 00:07:01,009 --> 00:07:03,316 Doctor, how is he? Is he gonna be okay? 186 00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:05,362 Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters. 187 00:07:05,362 --> 00:07:07,146 Is there a form I can fill out or... 188 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,235 The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett. 189 00:07:09,409 --> 00:07:10,802 Oh. Thank God. 190 00:07:11,019 --> 00:07:11,977 I'm so relieved. 191 00:07:11,977 --> 00:07:13,500 So Matty's gonna be okay? 192 00:07:13,718 --> 00:07:15,372 Well, he's not out of the woods yet. 193 00:07:15,372 --> 00:07:16,982 His condition is very delicate, 194 00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:18,331 especially for the next few weeks. 195 00:07:18,549 --> 00:07:19,550 W-what does that mean? 196 00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:21,334 He needs to remain calm. 197 00:07:21,552 --> 00:07:23,336 If he gets overly agitated or angry, 198 00:07:23,554 --> 00:07:25,382 it could trigger another heart attack. 199 00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:26,383 Possibly be fatal. 200 00:07:27,384 --> 00:07:28,950 We'll say our goodbyes now. 201 00:07:32,476 --> 00:07:34,826 - ♪ It's too hot ♪ - ♪ Too hot ♪ 202 00:07:34,826 --> 00:07:36,958 ♪ Too hot... ♪ 203 00:07:37,437 --> 00:07:40,048 I think the best part of The Grind is all the grindin'. 204 00:07:40,266 --> 00:07:42,964 We're blessed to live in a time when dancing is just girls 205 00:07:43,182 --> 00:07:46,228 rubbin' their butts against the dick area of guys' jeans. 206 00:07:46,403 --> 00:07:49,014 The patient is resting comfortably. 207 00:07:49,231 --> 00:07:51,451 He's not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on? 208 00:07:51,669 --> 00:07:54,280 Oh, I disguise them with yellow food coloring. 209 00:07:54,454 --> 00:07:56,369 And tonight, I'm gonna use red dye 210 00:07:56,587 --> 00:07:58,980 to make the ground turkey look like ground beef. 211 00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:01,853 This must be what it feels like to be a spy. 212 00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:06,379 Oh, Johnny, please change the channel. 213 00:08:06,597 --> 00:08:08,468 I don't want your father to hear this. 214 00:08:09,164 --> 00:08:11,123 He calls it burglary music. 215 00:08:11,341 --> 00:08:12,820 Delightful. 216 00:08:13,908 --> 00:08:15,040 Judge Ito : All right, Mr. Simpson, would you 217 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,563 please stand and face the jury? 218 00:08:16,781 --> 00:08:19,392 Oh, my God, I think they're about to announce the verdict. 219 00:08:19,610 --> 00:08:21,394 jury foreman: We, the jury in the above-entitled action, 220 00:08:21,612 --> 00:08:23,483 find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, 221 00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:25,442 not guilty of the crime of murder. 222 00:08:25,442 --> 00:08:27,400 Holy shit. He got away with it. 223 00:08:27,618 --> 00:08:29,794 Well, that was a year and a half of our lives. 224 00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:33,101 Oh, this is very, very bad. 225 00:08:33,319 --> 00:08:34,625 Well, at least it might finally teach 226 00:08:34,842 --> 00:08:36,322 the LAPD a lesson. 227 00:08:36,322 --> 00:08:39,020 Matty's always talkin' about how guilty O.J. is. 228 00:08:39,238 --> 00:08:41,719 If he finds out about this, he'll get so angry 229 00:08:41,936 --> 00:08:43,416 it could kill him. 230 00:08:43,634 --> 00:08:46,158 Making him O.J.'s third victim. 231 00:08:53,513 --> 00:08:56,690 Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about O.J.? 232 00:08:56,908 --> 00:08:58,649 Oh, let's tell him Johnny's gay. 233 00:08:58,866 --> 00:09:00,651 When he finds out it's not true, he'll be so relieved 234 00:09:00,868 --> 00:09:02,348 he won't even care about O.J. 235 00:09:02,348 --> 00:09:03,523 That's a stupid plan. 236 00:09:03,741 --> 00:09:04,916 Well, it's worth a try. 237 00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:05,960 Now, we're gonna need rollerblades, 238 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,484 bicycle shorts, and some ice cream 239 00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:08,485 to get angry at. 240 00:09:08,702 --> 00:09:09,660 What does that mean? 241 00:09:09,877 --> 00:09:10,661 Well, because the ice cream 242 00:09:10,878 --> 00:09:11,966 wants you to eat it, 243 00:09:11,966 --> 00:09:13,446 but you gotta keep your body lean 244 00:09:13,664 --> 00:09:14,578 for shenanigans. 245 00:09:15,361 --> 00:09:16,406 What if we don't tell him? 246 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,277 - What? - He's stuck in bed. 247 00:09:18,451 --> 00:09:19,191 He'll never know. 248 00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:20,148 Yes, he will. 249 00:09:20,148 --> 00:09:21,193 There's a TV up there. 250 00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:22,890 It's a Zenith. 251 00:09:22,890 --> 00:09:24,544 We can cut the wires and tell him the cable's out. 252 00:09:24,544 --> 00:09:26,328 - What, forever? - No. Not forever. 253 00:09:26,503 --> 00:09:28,418 Just till he's better and he can handle the news. 254 00:09:28,418 --> 00:09:30,681 - That could work. - Are you serious? 255 00:09:30,898 --> 00:09:32,465 Blaire, you heard the doctor. 256 00:09:32,683 --> 00:09:34,293 If he gets pissed off, it'll kill him. 257 00:09:34,293 --> 00:09:37,775 Oh, I can't lose my Matty. What would I do without him? 258 00:09:37,992 --> 00:09:39,124 Thrive. 259 00:09:39,124 --> 00:09:40,691 I feel like this is all my fault. 260 00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,171 Dad would have never had that heart attack 261 00:09:43,389 --> 00:09:45,696 if he hadn't been so upset about me bein' lazy. 262 00:09:46,566 --> 00:09:48,089 Blaire, we gotta do this. 263 00:09:49,743 --> 00:09:51,179 Fine. 264 00:09:51,397 --> 00:09:52,920 It's not all your fault, Johnny. 265 00:09:53,138 --> 00:09:55,706 I've seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone. 266 00:09:55,923 --> 00:09:57,838 He does love his Cris-cones. 267 00:09:58,404 --> 00:09:59,361 Mm. 268 00:10:22,994 --> 00:10:24,474 Goddammit! 269 00:10:25,649 --> 00:10:26,693 Susan! 270 00:10:27,564 --> 00:10:29,261 Matty, what's the matter? 271 00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:31,481 Something wrong with the TV. I can't get shit. 272 00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:33,744 Oh, yeah. The, uh, the cable company called. 273 00:10:33,961 --> 00:10:35,572 They said it's gonna be out for at least a week. 274 00:10:35,789 --> 00:10:36,834 Why don't you read a book? 275 00:10:37,051 --> 00:10:38,226 What am I, a woman? 276 00:10:38,662 --> 00:10:40,402 - Uh... - Guys are nurses, 277 00:10:40,577 --> 00:10:41,534 men reading books. 278 00:10:41,752 --> 00:10:43,014 Janet Reno. 279 00:10:43,014 --> 00:10:44,406 What the fuck is goin' on with the world? 280 00:10:44,581 --> 00:10:45,843 Matty, don't get upset. 281 00:10:45,843 --> 00:10:48,410 Remember, the doctor said to keep calm. 282 00:10:48,585 --> 00:10:49,847 I wanna watch the news. 283 00:10:49,847 --> 00:10:52,066 The O.J. verdict's gotta be out by now. 284 00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:54,634 You know what? I'll call Trammel's. 285 00:10:54,852 --> 00:10:55,940 Maybe somebody's heard something. 286 00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:57,550 He's guilty! 287 00:10:58,029 --> 00:10:59,465 - What? - Yeah, Dad. 288 00:10:59,465 --> 00:11:01,075 O.J. was found guilty, just like you were hopin'. 289 00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:02,773 So there's no reason to be upset. 290 00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:04,514 Why the hell didn't you guys tell me? 291 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:09,606 I was... gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan. 292 00:11:09,823 --> 00:11:11,042 As a reward. 293 00:11:11,259 --> 00:11:15,133 Oh! Oh, man. 294 00:11:15,699 --> 00:11:17,439 Oh, I... I wish I could have seen 295 00:11:17,614 --> 00:11:18,789 the look on O.J.'s face 296 00:11:19,006 --> 00:11:20,268 when they read that verdict. 297 00:11:20,268 --> 00:11:22,706 See, Blaire, even your black jury agrees 298 00:11:22,923 --> 00:11:24,795 with me about the cops. 299 00:11:25,012 --> 00:11:26,884 You gotta feel pretty fucking stupid right now. 300 00:11:27,101 --> 00:11:30,409 Oh, I... feel stupid. 301 00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:33,586 Man, I can't wait to read about this in tomorrow's paper. 302 00:11:33,804 --> 00:11:35,066 - What? - Yeah. 303 00:11:35,066 --> 00:11:36,546 Bring it to me first thing in the mornin'. 304 00:11:36,546 --> 00:11:38,591 You know what? They, they might not even cover it. 305 00:11:38,809 --> 00:11:40,071 Of course they're gonna cover it. 306 00:11:40,071 --> 00:11:41,812 It's the biggest news story of the year. 307 00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:43,683 Right. There's no gettin' around that. 308 00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:46,033 In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio. 309 00:11:48,688 --> 00:11:51,822 - Oops. - Oh, butterfingers. 310 00:11:53,301 --> 00:11:55,826 It's like he-he's got butter 311 00:11:56,043 --> 00:11:57,697 on, all over your fingers, 312 00:11:58,306 --> 00:11:59,394 with what just happened. 313 00:12:00,265 --> 00:12:01,440 Right? 314 00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:03,442 Go wash your fingers. Huh? 315 00:12:04,486 --> 00:12:05,705 Go wash your fingers. 316 00:12:11,102 --> 00:12:12,843 Well, we're already back in fuckin' school. 317 00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:14,671 That didn't take long. - Yeah. 318 00:12:14,671 --> 00:12:16,890 I can't believe how easy it was to break into this place. 319 00:12:16,890 --> 00:12:18,849 Yeah, probably be easy to come in, 320 00:12:19,066 --> 00:12:20,677 set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody. 321 00:12:20,894 --> 00:12:22,592 Jesus fuckin' Christ, Teddy! 322 00:12:22,766 --> 00:12:23,854 What? I'm sayin' it's a flaw. 323 00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:25,246 I'm-I'm pointin' it out. I'm helping. 324 00:12:25,464 --> 00:12:26,770 Seriously, what the fuck is-- 325 00:12:26,770 --> 00:12:28,380 Oh, come on, Johnny, you know I'm a good guy. 326 00:12:28,598 --> 00:12:30,164 You've seen my manifesto. 327 00:12:36,649 --> 00:12:38,477 Ah, sweet. They got everything we need. 328 00:12:38,651 --> 00:12:41,349 - We sure we can pull this off? - Oh, totally. 329 00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,351 How hard could it be to make a fake newspaper? 330 00:12:43,569 --> 00:12:45,702 I mean, it's just a big headline that says "O.J. Guilty" 331 00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:47,921 and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice was served. 332 00:12:47,921 --> 00:12:49,314 Johnny, there's more to a paper 333 00:12:49,531 --> 00:12:50,445 than one article. 334 00:12:50,445 --> 00:12:51,882 Real papers have sports sections 335 00:12:52,099 --> 00:12:54,362 and restaurant reviews and comics and Jumble, 336 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:56,495 that scrambled word game that's no fun 337 00:12:56,669 --> 00:12:58,062 and way harder than you think it'll be. 338 00:12:58,279 --> 00:12:59,629 Shit. You're right. 339 00:12:59,629 --> 00:13:01,500 We got a lot of work to do. - Exactly. 340 00:13:01,674 --> 00:13:02,893 Now, we got a long night ahead of us. 341 00:13:03,110 --> 00:13:04,895 I want 500 words on the Big Dig. 342 00:13:05,112 --> 00:13:06,940 And where's the girl with my egg salad sandwich? 343 00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:07,941 Right away, Queef. 344 00:13:11,205 --> 00:13:12,642 All right. Let's keep my dad from dying. 345 00:13:19,953 --> 00:13:21,955 Hey, Dad. How you doin'? 346 00:13:22,173 --> 00:13:23,348 Bored as shit. 347 00:13:23,565 --> 00:13:24,915 Well, get ready to cheer up, 348 00:13:25,132 --> 00:13:26,699 'cause here's today's paper. 349 00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:29,571 A little thinner than usual. 350 00:13:29,746 --> 00:13:31,182 Oh, uh... 351 00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:33,401 well, the newspaper people were probably so focused 352 00:13:33,619 --> 00:13:36,100 on the main part that they ran out of time for the other stuff. 353 00:13:36,317 --> 00:13:37,971 Or maybe someone was goofin' off, 354 00:13:37,971 --> 00:13:39,712 accidentally unplugged the computer, 355 00:13:39,930 --> 00:13:41,453 and they lost hours of work. 356 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:43,194 Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam 357 00:13:43,411 --> 00:13:44,978 because his editor was ridin' him so hard. 358 00:13:45,196 --> 00:13:47,981 Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner's nephew. 359 00:13:47,981 --> 00:13:50,897 Well, maybe that writer hasn't seen his kid in fuckin' weeks 360 00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,943 because the editor is such a goddamn slave driver! 361 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:54,945 Maybe this city's full of promising young journalists 362 00:13:55,162 --> 00:13:56,990 who'd be happy to take his fuckin' seat in a second! 363 00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,644 Maybe suck a dick or two along the way. 364 00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:02,387 Look at this, huh? Ha ha! 365 00:14:02,604 --> 00:14:04,476 "Simpson was found guilty of murdering 366 00:14:04,694 --> 00:14:08,001 "a blonde lady and another guy because he totally did it, 367 00:14:08,001 --> 00:14:10,003 "and anyone that thinks different is an idiot." 368 00:14:10,438 --> 00:14:11,788 Just like I've been sayin'. 369 00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:13,659 Yeah, almost word for word. 370 00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:15,443 See what else is happenin', huh? 371 00:14:18,011 --> 00:14:20,971 "Sox Win Makes Yankees Fans Cry." 372 00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:24,365 "UN Declares America Did Win Vietnam." 373 00:14:24,844 --> 00:14:27,586 Finally, a good news day. And look at this. 374 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,023 "Jane Fonda Admits 'I'm a piece of shit.'" 375 00:14:30,241 --> 00:14:31,416 If you're lookin' for a chuckle, 376 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,026 maybe check out the comic strip. 377 00:14:33,244 --> 00:14:34,549 Comic strip? 378 00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:38,989 The Galumphs. What's this? 379 00:14:39,206 --> 00:14:41,687 Uh, it's new, but I've been hearing good things. 380 00:14:41,861 --> 00:14:44,168 Apparently it's about a family called the Galumphs 381 00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:46,518 who get into all sorts of mischief 382 00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:48,172 but love each other at the end of the day. 383 00:14:48,389 --> 00:14:49,782 It's not drawn too good. 384 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,001 Yeah, it's not supposed to be slick. 385 00:14:51,218 --> 00:14:52,002 That's part of the charm. 386 00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:55,440 He, he brought a... He brought a beach chair 387 00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:56,615 to the DMV. 388 00:14:58,008 --> 00:14:59,705 He knows he's gonna be there all day. 389 00:14:59,879 --> 00:15:01,011 Classic Galumphs. 390 00:15:01,228 --> 00:15:02,621 All right, we'll leave you to it. 391 00:15:02,621 --> 00:15:04,666 Enjoy that article about Clinton's hemorrhoids. 392 00:15:04,841 --> 00:15:07,104 Hey, don't forget to bring me tomorrow's newspaper too. 393 00:15:07,669 --> 00:15:08,540 Tomorrow? 394 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,020 Yeah, I'm sure they'll have 395 00:15:10,237 --> 00:15:11,586 all the sections by then. 396 00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:13,719 I wanna know what these Galumphs get up to next. 397 00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:15,373 Yeah, me too. 398 00:15:15,852 --> 00:15:17,070 We're gonna need some help. 399 00:15:22,684 --> 00:15:25,513 All right, here's the headline for tomorrow's paper. 400 00:15:25,949 --> 00:15:27,428 "Forty Minutes on Toilet 401 00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:30,040 Equal to Running Two Miles." Oh, this is terrific. 402 00:15:30,257 --> 00:15:31,737 Blaire, how's the business section coming? 403 00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:35,045 I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy. 404 00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:37,134 Are you fuckin' crazy? I can't print this. 405 00:15:37,351 --> 00:15:40,137 It's all true. Women make 72 cents on the dollar. 406 00:15:40,354 --> 00:15:41,573 I don't give a shit about the truth. 407 00:15:41,791 --> 00:15:43,183 We're tryin' to keep Matty alive. 408 00:15:43,183 --> 00:15:45,707 So we're just gonna create a bubble around him 409 00:15:45,882 --> 00:15:47,100 where all he ever hears is news 410 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,102 that reinforces his warped worldview? 411 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,278 - Pretty much. - Give me something I can use. 412 00:15:51,496 --> 00:15:54,455 Like "Scientists Prove Women Worse Drivers" 413 00:15:54,673 --> 00:15:57,676 or "Tipping With Change is More than Enough." 414 00:15:57,850 --> 00:15:59,243 Why can't one of you guys do it? 415 00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:01,071 No. I'm working on a huge story. 416 00:16:01,288 --> 00:16:03,290 "There's No Reason to Turn the Heat On." 417 00:16:03,508 --> 00:16:05,379 And I still gotta figure out tomorrow's Galumphs. 418 00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:06,816 Okay, how about this? 419 00:16:06,990 --> 00:16:08,295 Gary Galumph tells his wife 420 00:16:08,295 --> 00:16:10,167 to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner, 421 00:16:10,384 --> 00:16:11,864 and then he takes her to the grocery store 422 00:16:12,082 --> 00:16:13,344 to fill up on free samples. 423 00:16:13,344 --> 00:16:15,694 I'm smiling, but I'm not laughing yet. 424 00:16:15,868 --> 00:16:17,783 Okay. Uh, is this anything? 425 00:16:17,957 --> 00:16:19,611 Gary Galumph is on the treadmill, 426 00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:22,092 and then we cut wider to reveal that he's on roller skates. 427 00:16:22,309 --> 00:16:23,354 Yeah, they did something similar 428 00:16:23,571 --> 00:16:24,964 in yesterday's Wizard of Id. 429 00:16:25,182 --> 00:16:26,705 All right. Uh... 430 00:16:26,705 --> 00:16:29,360 Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector for the city, 431 00:16:29,577 --> 00:16:31,362 and she finds a cockroach in the kitchen 432 00:16:31,579 --> 00:16:32,798 at one of the restaurants. 433 00:16:32,798 --> 00:16:34,234 And before she can shut the place down, 434 00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,497 the cockroach says, "Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the owner." 435 00:16:36,715 --> 00:16:39,283 Yes, yes, yes. Draw, draw, draw. 436 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:40,545 Fuck, draw. 437 00:16:48,161 --> 00:16:51,164 Well, someone's feelin' better. 438 00:16:51,382 --> 00:16:52,818 Look at this. Look at this. 439 00:16:52,992 --> 00:16:54,994 "Hillary Clinton Spotted at Urinal." 440 00:16:55,212 --> 00:16:56,517 I fuckin' knew it! 441 00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,171 Hey, Dad, did you see today's Galumphs? 442 00:16:58,171 --> 00:17:00,173 Oh, the best one so far. 443 00:17:00,391 --> 00:17:03,133 I-I'll tell you, any time a dog wears sunglasses, 444 00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:05,004 you got my attention. 445 00:17:05,004 --> 00:17:06,876 I don't think I've ever seen you smile, 446 00:17:07,050 --> 00:17:09,139 but not quite laugh, so much. 447 00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:11,141 Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan. 448 00:17:11,358 --> 00:17:15,145 O.J. got what he deserved. The Sox are on a winning streak. 449 00:17:15,362 --> 00:17:16,233 You know, the only, the only problem is 450 00:17:16,450 --> 00:17:18,191 the damn cable's still out. 451 00:17:18,191 --> 00:17:18,975 Fuck it. 452 00:17:19,192 --> 00:17:20,150 I'm gonna call, 453 00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:21,238 see what's taking 'em so long. 454 00:17:21,455 --> 00:17:23,153 Uh, oh, wait, uh, no, actually 455 00:17:23,370 --> 00:17:25,068 you don't have to do that because... 456 00:17:25,285 --> 00:17:26,765 they're coming by tomorrow. 457 00:17:26,939 --> 00:17:28,549 Finally. 458 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,337 John, if we fix the cable, he's gonna find out about O.J. 459 00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:35,165 Well, what if we make our own news? 460 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:36,601 - Huh? - We got all that 461 00:17:36,818 --> 00:17:37,732 video equipment at school. 462 00:17:37,732 --> 00:17:39,169 We just need to find an actor. 463 00:17:39,734 --> 00:17:42,259 Sadly, we know one. 464 00:17:45,175 --> 00:17:45,915 Come in. 465 00:17:48,308 --> 00:17:49,831 What do you two want? 466 00:17:50,006 --> 00:17:52,182 Here's something you probably never heard before. 467 00:17:52,399 --> 00:17:54,184 We'd like to hire you again. 468 00:17:58,014 --> 00:17:59,189 Well, look, I'd love to help you out, 469 00:17:59,406 --> 00:18:01,191 but I have a strict rule against sequels. 470 00:18:01,408 --> 00:18:03,106 - Oh, do you? - Yeah, I do. 471 00:18:03,106 --> 00:18:05,195 I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino, 472 00:18:05,412 --> 00:18:06,674 guys not without talent, 473 00:18:06,892 --> 00:18:08,372 throwing it all away for a quick buck. 474 00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,069 - This is not a... level. - Yeah. No. 475 00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:11,201 - This is something much simpler. - It's not like that. 476 00:18:11,418 --> 00:18:12,202 It's a, it's a new role. - Yeah. 477 00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:13,290 It's a newscaster. 478 00:18:14,073 --> 00:18:15,205 Go on. 479 00:18:15,422 --> 00:18:16,423 - That's sorta it. - Yeah, that's it. 480 00:18:16,423 --> 00:18:18,251 - Yeah. - Yeah. That's the role. 481 00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:24,214 Uh, could this newscaster have a son, uh, in the hospital? 482 00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:27,260 - Uh, yeah. Sure. - Uh... I mean, I guess. 483 00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:29,219 That's why his job means so much to him. 484 00:18:29,436 --> 00:18:30,611 Watching the news is the only way 485 00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:32,439 his bedridden son can feel connected 486 00:18:32,657 --> 00:18:34,006 to the outside world. 487 00:18:34,224 --> 00:18:35,312 With the comforting face of his father 488 00:18:35,529 --> 00:18:36,878 as a beacon in the dark. 489 00:18:37,053 --> 00:18:37,923 Yeah, we don't really need, uh-- 490 00:18:38,097 --> 00:18:39,359 You know what? 491 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:40,752 I could play the son in a flash forward. 492 00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,101 Yeah, we're not makin' a movie here. 493 00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:43,711 And I feel like we need to be daring. 494 00:18:43,929 --> 00:18:46,540 This-this newscaster's grappling with his own sexuality, 495 00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,281 and as a result, he's never been able 496 00:18:48,281 --> 00:18:50,240 to have an authentic moment with his son. 497 00:18:50,457 --> 00:18:51,763 And now it might be too late. 498 00:18:51,981 --> 00:18:52,764 Right. 499 00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:53,895 Because of the cancer. 500 00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:55,245 Oh, my God. 501 00:18:55,462 --> 00:18:57,029 I mean, this is how people win Oscars. 502 00:18:57,247 --> 00:18:58,465 - Bingo. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. 503 00:18:58,683 --> 00:18:59,640 The fuck are you doing? 504 00:18:59,858 --> 00:19:01,338 - What? - Don't encourage this. 505 00:19:01,555 --> 00:19:03,688 And the sex scene should be, uh, ambiguous. 506 00:19:03,905 --> 00:19:05,472 I mean, sex to him is a rubicon. 507 00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:07,300 I want the sex scenes to raise questions, 508 00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,650 but provide no answers. - Yeah, this is getting kinda-- 509 00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:11,478 I'm willing to have sex on camera. 510 00:19:11,696 --> 00:19:13,089 Okay, look, there's also another role 511 00:19:13,306 --> 00:19:14,003 we need you to play. 512 00:19:14,177 --> 00:19:15,265 Dual roles? 513 00:19:15,482 --> 00:19:16,570 Oh, wow. I'm loving this. 514 00:19:16,570 --> 00:19:18,181 What's the other part? 515 00:19:18,181 --> 00:19:20,792 It's a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable. 516 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:23,273 Could I, uh, could I pitch you something? 517 00:19:23,490 --> 00:19:24,274 Sure. 518 00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:25,579 - You ready? - Yeah. 519 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:27,320 - He's retarded. - No. 520 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,539 - Oh, yeah. - No. 521 00:19:28,756 --> 00:19:30,497 He's full-blown, one wheel in the sand. 522 00:19:30,715 --> 00:19:32,195 Doesn't help us at all. 523 00:19:32,978 --> 00:19:34,980 Okay, now remember, just put the tape in the VCR 524 00:19:35,154 --> 00:19:36,416 and pretend to fix the cable. 525 00:19:36,416 --> 00:19:37,722 Sure thing, guv'nor. 526 00:19:37,939 --> 00:19:39,332 I just moved here from old Blighty, 527 00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:40,855 lookin' to start a new life. 528 00:19:40,855 --> 00:19:42,509 No, no. No, no, no. We talked about this. 529 00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:43,815 Just get in the fuckin' house. 530 00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:48,820 And no limps! 531 00:19:50,039 --> 00:19:51,779 Hey, Dad. 532 00:19:51,997 --> 00:19:53,651 Look who we just ran into out on the steps. 533 00:19:54,043 --> 00:19:55,305 It's the cable guy. 534 00:19:55,522 --> 00:19:58,525 Oh, about goddamn time. Can you fix the cable? 535 00:19:58,743 --> 00:20:00,310 Yeah, blood, I can fix the cable. 536 00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:02,051 No, no. Get the fuck to work. 537 00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,446 Anythin', uh, good in the paper today? 538 00:20:07,056 --> 00:20:08,970 Kangaroos are fake. 539 00:20:09,145 --> 00:20:09,971 Fuckin' called it. 540 00:20:10,146 --> 00:20:11,625 What? No, they're not. 541 00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:13,540 Olivia Newton-John admitted it. 542 00:20:13,758 --> 00:20:15,325 Educate yourself, Blaire. 543 00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:17,370 Fuckin' A. 544 00:20:17,370 --> 00:20:18,980 The world's finally gettin' good, 545 00:20:19,155 --> 00:20:20,765 and I'm stuck at home. 546 00:20:20,982 --> 00:20:22,201 Maybe I should go for a walk. 547 00:20:22,201 --> 00:20:24,073 - Oh, no, no. - No! No, no. Home is better. 548 00:20:24,247 --> 00:20:26,162 Okay. All finished. 549 00:20:26,162 --> 00:20:27,641 Wow, that was fast. 550 00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:30,949 Guess I'll go, uh, turn on the TV. 551 00:20:34,039 --> 00:20:34,953 Good evening. 552 00:20:35,127 --> 00:20:36,346 I'm Chad Farnsworth, 553 00:20:36,563 --> 00:20:38,783 and this is your world. 554 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:39,914 Who the hell is this? 555 00:20:39,914 --> 00:20:41,351 I've never seen this guy before. 556 00:20:41,568 --> 00:20:43,135 He seems complicated. 557 00:20:43,135 --> 00:20:46,356 Our top story, O.J. Simpson is still behind bars, 558 00:20:46,573 --> 00:20:47,792 where reportedly... 559 00:20:48,009 --> 00:20:49,010 ...he cries himself 560 00:20:49,185 --> 00:20:50,360 to sleep each night. 561 00:20:50,577 --> 00:20:51,535 Fuckin' yes! 562 00:20:51,535 --> 00:20:53,102 Asked if reopening Alcatraz 563 00:20:53,276 --> 00:20:54,364 is a little extreme, 564 00:20:54,581 --> 00:20:55,887 the California governor said, 565 00:20:56,105 --> 00:20:57,410 "Not for this monster." 566 00:20:57,628 --> 00:20:58,585 Amen. 567 00:20:58,803 --> 00:21:00,370 And now let's check in 568 00:21:00,587 --> 00:21:03,068 with our weather girl, Haley Snowden. 569 00:21:03,242 --> 00:21:04,983 Haley, uh, what's the weather forecast 570 00:21:05,157 --> 00:21:06,289 for the weekend look like? 571 00:21:06,289 --> 00:21:08,378 Oh, not so good, Chad... 572 00:21:08,595 --> 00:21:10,380 ...unless you're a duck. 573 00:21:10,597 --> 00:21:13,122 Good one, Haley. 574 00:21:14,427 --> 00:21:17,430 Uh, we're sleeping together. I can't keep my hands off her. 575 00:21:17,430 --> 00:21:19,171 Not even at work. 576 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:21,652 Oh, yeah. 577 00:21:22,218 --> 00:21:24,394 Oh, my gosh. 578 00:21:24,611 --> 00:21:26,657 I haven't felt like this since my wife died. 579 00:21:26,874 --> 00:21:28,137 Mm! Ohh! 580 00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:30,139 Okay, that's enough of that. 581 00:21:33,446 --> 00:21:34,926 We're fucked. 582 00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:37,015 Dad's gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow. 583 00:21:37,189 --> 00:21:38,930 Well, that's our life now, Johnny. 584 00:21:39,148 --> 00:21:41,367 Preparing a daily paper and nightly news. 585 00:21:41,802 --> 00:21:43,848 We are a two-man media empire. 586 00:21:44,065 --> 00:21:45,415 Oh, and by the way, I fired Blaire. 587 00:21:45,632 --> 00:21:46,459 She's suing us. 588 00:21:46,938 --> 00:21:48,374 Have you boys seen Matty? 589 00:21:48,592 --> 00:21:50,724 He's not in the bedroom, and I can't find him anywhere. 590 00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:52,378 No. 591 00:21:55,468 --> 00:21:57,470 He-he's not in the garage or the basement. 592 00:21:57,470 --> 00:22:00,430 His coat's gone, but the car is still here. 593 00:22:00,647 --> 00:22:01,909 He-he must have gone for a walk. 594 00:22:02,388 --> 00:22:04,434 Oh, shit. He's out in the world. 595 00:22:04,651 --> 00:22:07,393 He could learn the truth and have another heart attack. 596 00:22:10,483 --> 00:22:12,659 Hey, how about those fuckin' fake kangaroos, huh? 597 00:22:12,877 --> 00:22:13,921 What? 598 00:22:28,545 --> 00:22:30,808 reporter: Excuse me, sir? - Yeah? 599 00:22:31,025 --> 00:22:32,636 Sir, we're doing a man-on-the-street interview 600 00:22:32,636 --> 00:22:33,941 for Channel Six News. 601 00:22:33,941 --> 00:22:35,160 Would you be willing to give your opinion? 602 00:22:35,552 --> 00:22:37,031 Always. 603 00:22:37,206 --> 00:22:39,425 We're wondering how you feel about the O.J. verdict. 604 00:22:39,643 --> 00:22:40,731 Oh, I love it. 605 00:22:40,731 --> 00:22:42,211 Makes me proud to be an American. 606 00:22:42,428 --> 00:22:44,038 - Really? - Absolutely. 607 00:22:44,213 --> 00:22:45,823 I-I would have done the exact same thing 608 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,216 if I was on that jury. 609 00:22:47,433 --> 00:22:48,565 What about those who say 610 00:22:48,565 --> 00:22:50,436 the verdict was racially motivated? 611 00:22:50,654 --> 00:22:51,394 Bullshit. 612 00:22:51,611 --> 00:22:52,830 As far as I'm concerned, 613 00:22:53,047 --> 00:22:55,049 O.J. is getting exactly what he deserves. 614 00:22:55,224 --> 00:22:56,921 Okay, well, thank you for your time. 615 00:22:57,530 --> 00:22:59,532 Hey, can you believe your weather lady's 616 00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:01,230 fuckin' the anchor? 617 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,848 Hey, Matty. Ain't seen you in a few days. 618 00:23:11,065 --> 00:23:13,503 What you been up to? - Uh, I had a heart attack. Yeah. 619 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,635 They had to put a fuckin' stent in my artery. 620 00:23:15,853 --> 00:23:17,637 Oh, yeah? I got one of those. 621 00:23:17,855 --> 00:23:19,726 Yeah, I'm mostly stent at this point. 622 00:23:19,944 --> 00:23:21,424 They give you last rites? - No. 623 00:23:21,641 --> 00:23:23,295 Oh, then don't fuckin' bore me. 624 00:23:23,513 --> 00:23:26,559 Hey, how about that O.J. verdict, huh? 625 00:23:26,777 --> 00:23:29,127 Oh, don't remind me. I'm still pissed off about it. 626 00:23:29,301 --> 00:23:31,477 Why? For once they got it right. 627 00:23:31,695 --> 00:23:32,870 Are you shittin' me? 628 00:23:33,087 --> 00:23:33,958 The whole thing was rigged. 629 00:23:34,175 --> 00:23:35,742 Well, maybe a little. 630 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,701 But, you know, sometimes you gotta put your thumb 631 00:23:37,918 --> 00:23:40,486 on the scales of justice just to make sure things turn out fair. 632 00:23:40,704 --> 00:23:43,054 Justice? You don't know what you're fuckin' talkin' about. 633 00:23:43,272 --> 00:23:44,098 The hell I don't. 634 00:23:44,273 --> 00:23:45,230 Hey, hey. 635 00:23:45,230 --> 00:23:46,536 I got other customers here, huh? 636 00:23:46,753 --> 00:23:49,452 Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't be bickering. 637 00:23:49,669 --> 00:23:50,801 We, we sound like 638 00:23:51,018 --> 00:23:52,890 Gary and Gladys Galumph. 639 00:23:53,238 --> 00:23:54,152 Who? 640 00:23:54,718 --> 00:23:55,806 From the comic strip. 641 00:23:56,023 --> 00:23:56,937 Never heard of it. 642 00:23:57,721 --> 00:23:59,200 It's in the paper every day. 643 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,941 I think they put that stent in your fuckin' brain. 644 00:24:01,333 --> 00:24:03,944 The... the fuckin' Galumphs! Jesus Christ. 645 00:24:03,944 --> 00:24:06,904 You know, "Oh, Gladys, my achin' back." The Galumphs! 646 00:24:07,121 --> 00:24:08,906 I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about! 647 00:24:09,123 --> 00:24:10,690 They're making a movie with Rosie O'Donnell. 648 00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:12,910 Oh, Matty, thank God. There you are. 649 00:24:13,127 --> 00:24:14,999 Dad, we were lookin' all over for you. 650 00:24:15,216 --> 00:24:17,218 Honey, you gotta come home. You need your rest. 651 00:24:17,393 --> 00:24:18,916 I don't wanna go. I just got my beer. 652 00:24:19,133 --> 00:24:20,091 You gotta get him outta here, Susan. 653 00:24:20,309 --> 00:24:21,571 He's talkin' fuckin' crazy. 654 00:24:21,788 --> 00:24:22,833 - Come on, Matty. - I'm talking... 655 00:24:22,833 --> 00:24:24,008 - Let's go. - He's fuckin' crazy! 656 00:24:24,008 --> 00:24:25,357 He's never heard of the fuckin' Galumphs! 657 00:24:25,575 --> 00:24:27,228 There ain't no Galumphs, asshole! 658 00:24:27,228 --> 00:24:29,405 You wouldn't know! You don't fuckin' read, you dumb fuck! 659 00:24:29,622 --> 00:24:32,321 I read Garfield like a regular fuckin' human being, fuckface! 660 00:24:32,495 --> 00:24:33,974 Fuck Garfield and fuck you! 661 00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:35,933 You should have been a fuckin' blowjob, asshole! 662 00:24:36,150 --> 00:24:38,109 Why don't you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck? 663 00:24:38,327 --> 00:24:39,240 Get him outta here. 664 00:24:40,503 --> 00:24:42,026 Glad you're doin' better, though. 665 00:24:49,773 --> 00:24:50,948 He's asleep. 666 00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,645 Well, that was a close fuckin' call. 667 00:24:52,863 --> 00:24:56,214 You guys, this is insane. We have to tell him the truth. 668 00:24:56,214 --> 00:24:57,824 It's too risky. 669 00:24:58,042 --> 00:25:00,000 Plus, I already started working on tomorrow's Galumphs. 670 00:25:00,218 --> 00:25:02,786 Gary goes as himself for Halloween 'cause of inflation. 671 00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:03,830 Ha! 672 00:25:04,048 --> 00:25:04,788 Maybe we should wait 673 00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:06,355 a little while longer 674 00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:08,182 until he gets his strength back. 675 00:25:08,357 --> 00:25:10,228 No, this is fucking crazy! 676 00:25:10,402 --> 00:25:11,969 He walked to Trammel's. 677 00:25:12,186 --> 00:25:14,014 That's the most exercise he's gotten in years. 678 00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:14,972 He's fine. 679 00:25:15,189 --> 00:25:16,365 He almost got in a fistfight 680 00:25:16,365 --> 00:25:18,018 over fucking Garfield and survived. 681 00:25:18,236 --> 00:25:20,891 But he's enjoying his new life. 682 00:25:21,108 --> 00:25:24,024 Please, Blaire, all we have to do is lie to him forever 683 00:25:24,024 --> 00:25:25,722 and he'll be happy. 684 00:25:33,817 --> 00:25:35,079 Matty: Hello? 685 00:25:37,037 --> 00:25:38,996 I-I'm supposed to meet somebody here. 686 00:25:39,692 --> 00:25:40,824 Hello? 687 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,044 I have some information you might want. 688 00:25:44,958 --> 00:25:45,872 Blaire? 689 00:25:46,264 --> 00:25:47,570 Yes. 690 00:25:47,787 --> 00:25:49,310 What the fuck are we doin' here? 691 00:25:49,485 --> 00:25:50,747 Do they know you're gone? 692 00:25:50,747 --> 00:25:52,575 No. I-I climbed out the bathroom window 693 00:25:52,792 --> 00:25:53,663 like the note said. 694 00:25:53,663 --> 00:25:55,099 What the fuck is goin' on? 695 00:25:55,665 --> 00:25:57,406 The rest of the family doesn't want you to see this, 696 00:25:57,580 --> 00:26:00,409 but... I can't keep living a lie. 697 00:26:03,455 --> 00:26:06,415 What's this? Some kinda joke paper? 698 00:26:06,632 --> 00:26:09,766 No, Matty, it's the real newspaper. 699 00:26:10,331 --> 00:26:12,029 O.J. is a free man. 700 00:26:13,552 --> 00:26:15,859 - What? - Read the rest. 701 00:26:18,949 --> 00:26:21,299 It's... it says Cleveland swept the Red Sox 702 00:26:21,473 --> 00:26:22,735 out of the playoffs. 703 00:26:22,953 --> 00:26:25,042 Of course they lost. They're the Red Sox. 704 00:26:25,259 --> 00:26:27,044 - You are fuckin' with me! - Look at the funnies. 705 00:26:29,089 --> 00:26:30,439 Wha... 706 00:26:30,656 --> 00:26:33,616 The Galumphs! Where are the fucking Galumphs? 707 00:26:33,833 --> 00:26:36,053 There are no Galumphs, Matty. 708 00:26:36,793 --> 00:26:38,185 But... 709 00:26:38,185 --> 00:26:41,058 But Hillary Clinton, her dick was real, right? 710 00:26:43,147 --> 00:26:45,062 No, she has a vagina. 711 00:26:52,199 --> 00:26:53,070 Oh, my... 712 00:27:01,948 --> 00:27:03,689 Hey, look, that's the guy from the news. 713 00:27:03,907 --> 00:27:06,692 Hey! Thanks for stickin' up for O.J. 714 00:27:06,910 --> 00:27:08,172 Wh-what? 715 00:27:08,172 --> 00:27:10,740 You're the blackest white man in Boston! 716 00:27:23,013 --> 00:27:25,319 Oh, my God. Um... I-I-I'll call an ambulance. 717 00:27:25,494 --> 00:27:27,670 No. 718 00:27:27,887 --> 00:27:29,106 Let me die. 719 00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:39,682 Oh, Matty. 720 00:27:39,899 --> 00:27:41,118 Thank God you're okay. 721 00:27:41,335 --> 00:27:43,816 I was so scared. - I'm fine. 722 00:27:44,034 --> 00:27:45,862 I'm actually starting to get used to these heart attacks. 723 00:27:45,862 --> 00:27:47,385 Next one should be a breeze. Susan: Aw. 724 00:27:47,385 --> 00:27:50,127 Oh, you're not allowed to have any more heart attacks. 725 00:27:50,344 --> 00:27:53,130 We're gonna have a, a long life together. 726 00:27:54,392 --> 00:27:55,915 I love you, Matty Bennett. 727 00:27:56,437 --> 00:27:57,830 I love you too, Susan. 728 00:27:57,830 --> 00:27:59,397 I'm sorry, Uncle Matty. 729 00:27:59,658 --> 00:28:02,182 I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do. 730 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,577 I-I didn't realize you were so... entrenched. 731 00:28:06,273 --> 00:28:08,145 Anyways, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry. 732 00:28:08,362 --> 00:28:09,886 No, it's all my fault. 733 00:28:09,886 --> 00:28:12,541 This whole thing started 'cause I'm a freeloadin' fuckup, 734 00:28:12,715 --> 00:28:15,544 and I fucked it up even worse by tricking ya. 735 00:28:15,761 --> 00:28:17,850 I don't blame you for being pissed. 736 00:28:18,068 --> 00:28:19,243 Are you kiddin'? 737 00:28:19,243 --> 00:28:21,854 I'm not pissed. I'm fuckin' impressed. 738 00:28:22,072 --> 00:28:23,856 - What? - Yeah. 739 00:28:24,074 --> 00:28:27,207 You made a whole newspaper every day for a week. 740 00:28:27,425 --> 00:28:29,732 Shit, it was some of the best sports writing 741 00:28:29,949 --> 00:28:31,168 I've read in years. 742 00:28:31,385 --> 00:28:32,778 And, and the news. 743 00:28:32,996 --> 00:28:35,476 Johnny, you created an entire world. 744 00:28:35,651 --> 00:28:37,174 A world I wanna live in. 745 00:28:37,391 --> 00:28:39,176 Where the Red Sox don't suck. 746 00:28:39,393 --> 00:28:41,395 Where Madonna is dead. 747 00:28:41,570 --> 00:28:45,312 And where a white guy in America can finally get a fair shake. 748 00:28:45,791 --> 00:28:46,836 Could I get some morphine? 749 00:28:47,053 --> 00:28:48,838 Sure. I'll join you. 750 00:28:49,055 --> 00:28:50,579 Yeah, it was a lie, but... 751 00:28:51,318 --> 00:28:53,233 it gave me somethin' to believe in. 752 00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:55,845 And if you can do all that... 753 00:28:56,585 --> 00:28:59,413 I know you can do anything you set your mind to. 754 00:28:59,588 --> 00:29:01,198 It was kind of a two-man operation. 755 00:29:01,415 --> 00:29:02,895 So you don't think I'm a fuckup? 756 00:29:03,113 --> 00:29:04,636 You got potential, Johnny. 757 00:29:05,811 --> 00:29:07,204 I'm proud of you. 758 00:29:08,248 --> 00:29:09,641 Thanks, Dad. 759 00:29:20,913 --> 00:29:23,437 Oh, man, it's just startin' to hit me 760 00:29:23,612 --> 00:29:24,874 that high school's really over. 761 00:29:25,091 --> 00:29:26,702 Yeah, there's no denyin' it. 762 00:29:26,702 --> 00:29:30,053 You and I are now responsible adult members of society. 763 00:29:30,270 --> 00:29:31,750 Hand me that bong. 764 00:29:31,750 --> 00:29:34,013 We'll probably end up getting our own place soon. 765 00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,841 You think Mom will still come over to, like, 766 00:29:36,059 --> 00:29:37,538 do our laundry and clean up and shit? 767 00:29:37,713 --> 00:29:39,279 Abso-fucking-lutely not. 768 00:29:39,497 --> 00:29:40,498 She's right, Johnny. 769 00:29:40,672 --> 00:29:41,847 We're grown-ups now. 770 00:29:42,065 --> 00:29:43,327 We'll bring the laundry to Susan. 771 00:29:43,544 --> 00:29:46,417 I say we become industrial bigwigs 772 00:29:46,635 --> 00:29:48,462 with an office in the World Trade Center. 773 00:29:48,637 --> 00:29:50,464 Two offices, one in each tower. 774 00:29:50,639 --> 00:29:52,249 And a satellite office in the Pentagon 775 00:29:52,466 --> 00:29:54,033 for all those fat government contracts. 776 00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:55,731 And a summer home for vacations. 777 00:29:55,731 --> 00:29:58,081 I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania. 778 00:29:58,298 --> 00:29:59,430 Oh, nothin' will stop us. 779 00:29:59,648 --> 00:30:01,258 I think you guys might need to 780 00:30:01,475 --> 00:30:03,086 lower your expectations a little bit. 781 00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:05,262 Oh, nuh-uh. You heard my dad. 782 00:30:05,479 --> 00:30:07,264 I can do anything I set my mind to. 783 00:30:07,481 --> 00:30:09,266 I can go to college, invent something. 784 00:30:09,483 --> 00:30:10,963 The sky's the limit. 785 00:30:11,181 --> 00:30:13,444 So, what are you gonna do? 786 00:30:23,715 --> 00:30:25,543 You sure this is what you want? 787 00:30:25,717 --> 00:30:28,154 Never been more sure of anything in my life. 788 00:30:29,939 --> 00:30:31,680 I'm gonna get totally ripped. 789 00:30:31,897 --> 00:30:34,073 You mean like a normal level of in-shape? 790 00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:36,510 No. Like, really ripped. 791 00:30:36,685 --> 00:30:39,600 Like, so muscular that people who love me are concerned. 792 00:30:39,775 --> 00:30:41,907 I support you in this endeavor. 793 00:30:42,125 --> 00:30:43,648 Let's go. 794 00:30:45,041 --> 00:30:48,740 narrator: And John did indeed get massively swole. 795 00:30:48,958 --> 00:30:50,307 There was a seven-year period 796 00:30:50,524 --> 00:30:52,309 where he never once wore a shirt. 797 00:30:52,526 --> 00:30:55,704 Eventually he married a really cool girl, 798 00:30:55,878 --> 00:30:59,316 but they got divorced and he met another cool girl. 799 00:30:59,533 --> 00:31:01,318 You know what? There are two movies about it. 800 00:31:01,535 --> 00:31:02,623 Just watch them. 801 00:31:02,798 --> 00:31:03,973 Well, the first one, 802 00:31:04,190 --> 00:31:05,496 the second one has funny moments, 803 00:31:05,714 --> 00:31:07,150 most of them in the first half, 804 00:31:07,150 --> 00:31:09,326 but even I can't sit still for the whole thing. 805 00:31:09,543 --> 00:31:12,329 Anyway, here's the end credits. 806 00:31:18,378 --> 00:31:22,600 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 807 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,082 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 808 00:31:27,387 --> 00:31:31,261 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 809 00:31:31,261 --> 00:31:33,742 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 810 00:31:33,742 --> 00:31:36,353 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 811 00:31:37,223 --> 00:31:40,574 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 812 00:31:40,574 --> 00:31:42,402 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 813 00:31:42,402 --> 00:31:45,101 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 814 00:31:46,798 --> 00:31:48,844 ♪ Best friend is me ♪